Things Republicans Believe; a Truthful and Sarcastic List
1. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.
2. Government should limit
itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning
gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
3. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
4. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s and John Kerry did in the 1970s is
of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
5. You
support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can
tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
6. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
7. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
8. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
9. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches and to allow them to abuse prisoners of war while slashing
veterans' benefits and combat pay.
10. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
11. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
12. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.
13. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
14. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but
crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of
illness.
15. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
16. A
woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.
17. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
18. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
19. Saddam
was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made
war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy
when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. What he did to
prisoners was wrong and was justification for launching a war against
his country but when we do it, an apology will suffice.
20. Trade
with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
